Midnight ramblings (stream of consciousness)

Knot in my chest anxious for a million reasons that only matter to me and a million reasons that matter too much to everyone and nothing's getting done frozen importuning in a flashbulb frame everything stays the same too much changing too fast for the heart to keep up unbroken and I'm waiting in the wings of everything never sure always a little out of step can't catch my break there's no room with the lump of unsaid choking me like the hands of a lover gone too far why can't I stop thinking about him why do I want him when I shouldn't and I can taste him feel the weight if I blink and smell him on my clothes even when I know it's an illusion of visceral memory it hurts like a seppuku blade yet I lean into the pain because everything he was hurt so damn good like saline debriding a wound I'm broke and miserable in the real world and yet I'm happier than I've been in forever because I've remembered what it feels like to be myself instead of hiding in the shadows of reflected glory and the image of someone that only adds up to a fraction of me now I'm pouring words out with spendthrift ease not caring who sees because I've been invisible in too many ways for far too long do we even know what our reality means and that we make it I keep thinking and feeling surviving all the minefields making chaos seem like normal